When the Rubber Meets the Road

Often my husband and I will set out early on a Saturday morning for a drive with no particular destination in mind but hearts open to exploring! Backroads are my favourite and his too. This is where the fun stuff is, the quaint side road farmers markets boasting freshly picked produce, glorious open fields of corn, wheat, and roughly plowed rows that go as far as the eye can see.  There are little shops nestled in tiny towns that seem magical dolled up with flower boxes and scalloped awnings, and always a good bakery boasting the best butter tart around!

Where we live the landscape is rather flat but if we drive far enough north eventually gentle rolling hills appear as the asphalt begins to weave effortlessly through the countryside. On one particular ride a few weeks ago in just such an area, we crested a hill and as the road began to dip down the open expanse began to close as a huge grove of trees flanked the asphalt. With the sunroof open we glanced up to see the dappled sun playfully peek through the thick arching branches above. There was a quietness that brought a surge of comfort and calm.  We didn't want it to end! 

Recently I had been in a place that was anything but comfortable and calm. I had learned some news about my prognosis which was not so great. My bloodwork revealed TP53 and deletion 17p. Bottom line, the least favourable outcome for treating CLL effectively. How I wrestled, trying to make myself trust God and find comfort in Him. Day after day, begging God to do something! It all seemed so elusive, so exhausting.  Where was the Lord in my time of need?

A week to the day after this news I had an appointment in the city about an hour away from where we live.  I always enjoy my drives down this stretch of highway but today would be different. I did not want to be by myself and have too much time to think so with a weak whisper that was barely audible, I told the Lord I didn't want to wrestle anymore or plead my case, today I would simply leave it be and accept my circumstance.  The rubber finally met the road. In the quietness of that drive, the Holy Spirit began to work and helped me sift through all my thoughts and lay down the fear of the unknown and the many pieces of my broken heart. It was the hardest surrender to God yet however the most powerful and beautiful one I've experienced in my life. 

I know there will be many more moments of surrender I will have with the Lord until I am home with him in heaven one day. This is a true statement and the same for each one of us. We get to choose how we will live out our trials, the things we don't want or expect and can't change. Wrestling was tough and necessary for me to get to the point where I could no longer do anything else but wait quietly for God and trust Him with my circumstance. And I can testify that absolutely nothing on this earth can compare to the kind of peace, calm and comfort that is on the other side of yielding our will to our Creator.  

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; 

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord

Lamentations 3:25-26