His

CLL or chronic lymphocytic leukaemia is considered the “good” cancer since it is a long-term and slowly progressing disease. After being diagnosed I was placed on what they call “watch and wait.”  I bravely asked what stage I was in and the doctor placed my disease at stage 2. That didn't seem all that bad I thought. At my first three-month check-up I rocked it, my white blood cell count remained stable and I felt pretty darn good. I remember walking to my car so full of confidence thinking, oh heck ya, I got this and life will move along just fine. Funny how quickly things can change. 

For the first time since being diagnosed, I wept hard, the good old ugly cry and just let every ounce of emotional pain, anger and deep sadness fill me from my head to my toes. I'm grateful I have my husband who curled up beside me and held me tight while it all came tumbling out. 

I'm only just beginning to grasp the idea of living with cancer and accepting the truth that because of this disease my life will be shorter than I’d probably like. I know not one of us can know when it is our time, but cancer certainly brings one face to face with one’s mortality. Some days I wish I never knew and I could simply live out my days without a burdensome weight sitting square on my shoulders that never fully lifts. I'm grateful for times of distraction, times where hope overcomes the grip and paralysis of fear and sadness. In the first six months, I've experienced a lot of hope and a lot of freedom but I am learning and accepting this will be cyclical, and there are going to be some brutal gut-wrenching moments that cause my world to spin out of control and it seems nothing but black. 

Keeping a diary of sorts, or blogging will be helpful for me I think. I've always loved words and writing but often haven't had much to write about. I guess I do now. 

I've left this next particular thought to wrap up my first post on purpose.  I belong to Jesus. At the age of eight, I remember the simplicity of my childlike faith knowing that Jesus loved me so much, that He died on the cross for my sin so that I would be with him forever in heaven.  I became his that day and He has been so very faithful and I know will be faithful in the journey ahead. Even on the days when I'm feeling lost, confused, anxious, God has promised to remain with me. All praise and glory to the King of Kings who overcame the grave!

If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your 

heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, 

and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.

Romans 10:9-10

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps

covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments,

to a thousand generations.

Deuteronomy 7:9